Boston MGA

In a shocking turn of events, Matt “The Thief” Boland has won the MGABoston’s 2011 Douche Bag Invitational! Amidst a whirlwind of final/only round controversy that saw one player DQ’d and two players penalized for illegal ball touching, The Thief finally rose to the occasion, at once making official what has long been suspected—that with the departure of the Black Widow, he is the biggest douche on tour—and laying claim to the title as The Best Boland on Tour (TBBT).   For the 2011 Douche Bag Invitational, the men of Boston returned to the course where it all began: Mount Hood. It was here on a frost-covered day in March 2010 that the Chapter made its mediocre debut. The course welcomed the group home in true Mt. Hood fashion.   The charge to win top honors was taken up a notch when it was revealed that not only would the winner earn the coveted Douche Bag Visor, but that said visor was in fact signed by one Rory Sabbatini, grand douche of professional golfing douchedom (obtained by Vin Ferraro on the Sunday, repeat Sunday, of the Deutsche Bank Championship after cutting in front of several unsuspecting and ill-prepared children—Sabbatini knows and appreciates douchiness).   The intensity was palpable.             The round was dominated early on by Tom “The Governor” Spenard, who leapt out to a two stroke lead at the turn. A shaky back 9, however, would send the Gov’nah home with his first ever Meltdown Award.   Playing with Spenard, and making his long-awaited return to competitive golf, was Wayne “Damn Yankees” Russell. While D.Y. had made one of the most impressive debuts of any player in chapter history, finishing runner-up in his first two events, clearly the field has caught up, as he managed only an 8th place finish this time around.   Making a bid at douchiest douche of the day was Jake The Snake Stowell, whose outfit left the rest of the field in douche-envy and several children calling for the mommies. The same could not be said of his play.        Taking home unofficial honors for top douche-duo were Neville and The Fuzz, who evidently were taking the South Beach Birdcage angle. Most awkward outfit went hands down to Scully, who went toe-to-toe with common decency and won convincingly.     The round ended in a flurry of controversy, including the first DQ in chapter history, a major milestone going to one Kevin “Mike” Hunt. After leaving his putt a “Mike” Hunt hair short, Kevin blasted the ball across the green…and failed to putt out before leaving the green.   Moments before, while looking for his ball on 17, Ferraro—in a dead heat with Matt “The Thief” Boland for first place after summoning the super-human strength and intestinal fortitude to miraculously grind his way through 16 holes with a broken arm—inadvertently picked up and pocketed (read: stole) Crazy Eyes Pumphrey’s tee shot. Ferraro replaced the ball moments later when notified and assessed himself a 2-stroke penalty. The penalty would leave him two strokes behind The Thief, alone in fourth place. Adding insult to injury, it was only after submitting his scorecard (to himself) that Ferraro rechecked the rule book…to find that that there was no stroke penalty, provided the ball is replaced.   As the last of the douches limped home after missing the green on 18, one douche stood slightly taller than the rest, if only for a moment.                  

The Golden Bear finally emerged from his long hibernation to take his first title of the 2011 season. In a stellar performance, the Bear left his closest competitor five strokes back, and was the only player to break 90.     For the 2011 Bratish Open, the chapter returned to The Meadow at Peabody. Evidently the boys of Boston had grown tired of dominating straightforward, easy courses. Even on a good day, the Meadow is an unforgiving witch. In the midst of a national heatwave, on a course demanding accuracy and patience, with holes full of blind shots, this would not be a good day.  As an indication, a potential prospect for the 2012 season apparently suffered a heat stroke on the 15th hole and was unable to finish his round.  Clearly players need to work on their conditioning to cut it on the MGA Tour.                                           Left: JD Cohen Celebrates the end of a brutal round, as O'Connell demonstrates the Janitorial method of putting.                 Right: Obvious jokes about little heads aside, Michael Gates is clearly very proud of his Nixon era driver.        Fresh off his win at the F.U. Open, Ferraro was poised to make it two in a row, with a strong showing of 46 on the front., leaving him two back of Berk at the turn. Unfortunately, while Ferraro wished in the one hand, he took a major dump in his other, leading to an 8-stroke meltdown that dropped him to fifth place. While 8-strokes would, on most days, at least bring the meltdown award, that minor consolation went instead to Scully, with a 9-stroke differential en route to a 15th place finish.   If the MGA were interested in seeing its members get better, such an award may have gone to Andrew Gordon. Since genuinely caring for the success of others is for Nerds and marks, Xamot gets only a moral victory in countering his epic 67 on the front with a much improved 53 on the back.  Closest to the pin honors went to Shaoyu “PF Chang” Xue.   Peach offered another strong showing, reclaiming the first spot on the money list. There appears to be some mounting incredulity (Word of the Day, bitches) surrounding Peach’s performance of late, given the photos and video that have emerged. The MGABoston is currently accepting explanations for how a player can finish in second with shots like these:    {youtube}7KzTmhIXJaE{/youtube} {youtube}UKWd2VpHywI{/youtube}   Also to be filed under WTF?!, The Schwartz put up his best performance of the year, en route to a fourth place finish and adding some serious change to his piggy bank.   {youtube}YV2O-_isoQM{/youtube}   Of little surprise was the aforementioned dominance of one Mike Berk. In fact, the only curiosity was the fact that this was Berk’s first win this season, after finishing the 2010 campaign as hot as any player in the country (avid readers will recall, however, how epically The Bear shit the bed in representing his home chapter at the World Championships).   On this day, Berk’s net score of 89 was good for a 5 stroke victory, and tied him for the low net award.   On a sad note, the event may have marked the end of Fairway Tim’s MGABoston career, as he has recently accepted a transfer to the golf-friendly confines of Minnesota. In Tribute to Tim, the MGABoston offers the following highlight real from his Bratish Open (a feature length version is in the works): {youtube}b4MJc2C_Lnw{/youtube}     The real story of the day took place once the round was over, as 14 of the 22 competitors bailed on the awards ceremony. As the course is unfortunately dry (18 holes at the Meadow is like that first night in prison: there’s a lot of “grinning and bearing” and while a drink would make everything almost ok, no one will share their pruno with you), the remaining contestants made their way to what was a very well-reviewed pub down the street.                           Few came as well prepared as Gates and Spenard.   Unfortunately, none of the reviews mentioned the median age of the clientele. Making matters worse, the    players arrived at 4:30 pm, a.k.a. primetime.                         Clearly, the octogenarian hostess was unprepared for this sudden influx of 8. After several awkward moments of haggling over how to seat such a large party, the kitsch value of hosting the awards ceremony at a retirement home caffeteria quickly wore off. When the old Sofia finally agreed to push two four-tops together, Ferraro told her they ”just need to get something out of the car.” Whether she bought this lie is unclear. Perhaps she thought it was 1983 and we had all arrived in our wood-paneled station wagon with rear-facing third seat. Perhaps it was the dementia. Perhaps the years of bleached perms had finally taken their toll.  Irregardless, the opportunity to flee presented itself.  We ran out the front door and made our way to the next bar: Capone’s Speakeasy for Dining and Dancing, which advertised not one, but two function rooms for rent; clearly one of the North Shore’s finer establishments. The players were pleasantly welcomed by the smiles of middle-aged hostesses and the dim lighting, well-lacquered tables, and modestly sized flat-screen tv’s that are the hallmark of a just-divey-enough bar. The perfect location for a mediocre awards ceremony.   Some may wonder how we could hold such a ceremony when 85% of the award winners declined to attend. The answer: Linda.   {youtube}cOxjqsvKahM{/youtube}

Like a venereal disease, Randy “The Fuzz” Peach returned in full bloom to the top of the MGABoston, claiming his third trophy, and first major, the 2011 Bastards championship.   For the Bastards, the MGABoston returned to its home course, Hillview, the very place where one Todd Benoit stole the show a year ago.     Always on the lookout for new talent to strengthen the ranks, Chapter president Vin Ferraro found this gentleman, flashing some serious MGA material: {youtube}tY-CTLSexO0{/youtube} "Should've brought that 7 iron"   The event welcomed the 2011 return of Jason, “Wait, he’s not Spanish?” Clemente, whose bit of ring rust kept him just out of the money list. The Bastards also witnessed the MGA debut of Shauyuo “That Asian Guy” Xue, whose score of 113 and 12th place finish were an impressive start to a promising career, given his lack of knowledge of the course and the fact he was playing with someone else’s clubs.   Xue endeared himself to the group on the par-4 8th, when he casually pretended not to notice the icy cold (read: piss warm) Smirnoff iced waiting for him in his cart, forcing his playing partner Fairway Tim to a knee. A deft maneuver by the new guy; ironic as it is patented maneuver of the very same Fairway Tim! Shaouyu would also take home Long Drive honors and make a feeble bid at the meltdown award, but stalwart Bobby Sprouts had that prize on lock down.   Sprouts got off to the best start of his MGA career, playing bogey ball through 4. Even after taking a triple mogey on 6 and quadruple mog on 9, Sprouts found himself in the middle of the pack: 8th place with a 54 at the turn and 8 strokes off the lead. But the wheels would come off quickly for Sprouts, following the turn, with an utter meltdown that was painful for player and unbearable for fans.                 From Team Douche Bag, Jonathan Scully’s grinding 102 put him right in the middle of the pack, giving him his first Golden M. Taking home the low net award, also for the first time, was Matty “The Thief” Boland.   Reigning Am-Am Champ T-Bone Boland kept his hot streak running with a solid 94, putting him in a tie for third place with the Golden Bear.         Perennial bridesmaid Wayne “Damn Yankees” Russell once again finished in second place, one stroke off the lead, a lead he might have shared were it not for some serious heroics by one Randy Peach.     Needing a par on the par-3 18th to tie for the lead and force a putt-off, The Fuzz promptly cut his tee shot into the right side bunker, 10 feet below the hole. An up-and-down would keep him in the contest; anything less would give Damn Yankees his first win on tour. With a mighty hack into the bunker's depths, the Fuzz put his round on the line. As the sand and dust splashed upon the green, his trademark Nike landed softly, and rolled, as he'd meant it to, straight to the bottom of the cup. The save brought meagle, and the meagle put The Fuzz alone atop the leader board, for his first win of the year. For the second season in a row, The Fuzz has laid claimed to early season success.   His secret?   {youtube}fZfAIG-iL6c{/youtube}   What remains is whether this season will bring with it the epic collapse that kept him from topping the global money list in 2010. For now, at least, The Fuzz is back.   {vimeo}25552353{/vimeo}