Chapter News

CBUSMGA The Bastards: Beyond the horizon lies a secret to a new beginning.

The Columbus MGA held their 2017 Bastards tournament on May 7th at Kyber Run Golf Course in Johnstown, OH.  The tournament was used as a memorial for former Columbus medio, Jeff Gilbert.   The last time the chapter visited Kyber Run Jeff secured his place in history by absolutely bungling a playoff hole.  Thank the lord Jeff has since moved to the Cincinnati chapter.

On this day though Dustin “The Mariner” Schmidt was on the hunt for his first MGA victory.  The Mariner has been a medio since 2014 and has played in 25 events yet has still never broken 100 in an MGA round.  He was so fired up to take the trucker cap that he wore shorts to the course with the temperature hovering in the mid-forties.

After playing the Rebel Beach at Timberview Golf Club the sight of grass on the course was a very welcome relief.  Yet, after glancing at the scorecard it was clear that Kyber Run would not be a cake walk.  The course features water on seventeen holes making it resemble a future earth where the ice caps have melted and vast oceans cover the planet.  With wind gusts of 20+ mph the course felt even more oceanic.  The Mariner would certainly have his work cut out for him if he wanted to break 100 on this day.
The Mariner drifted across the waters of the course on his man-made ship, with his sights set on a mythical island called Dryland.  Throughout his journey he offered many surlyn covered balls as tribute to the gods.  He stopped at many atolls to trade and salvage supplies.  In this world dirt was worth the price of gold, and The Mariner had to do unspeakable things to many innocent civilians to get it.  We are still unsure what he did to Joe Milacek to get his beaver pelt sized chunk of dirt.

At the turn The Mariner befriended a woman behind the bar named Helen.  Helen and her daughter, Enola, begged the mariner to take them with him to the island of Dryland.  The Mariner though is a lone wolf and refused their pleas for help.   On hole 10 he vanquished an evil pirate named Connor Mazza who was a member of The Smokers gang.  Connor was thrown from the ship and never heard from again.

At the end of the day the Mariner carded a 132 and his clothes were left in tatters from the journey.  This is not a good score and he never managed to find Dryland.  Many readers may be asking themselves, “Isn’t this the plot of the 1995 hit classic Waterworld starring Kevin Costner?”. To that I would say how about you try coming up with original content on a monthly basis, ya prick.
Andy Nentwich won the round for his second consecutive Trucker's Cap.  Neat!

Event Results

1.Andy Nentwich91$1.26
2.Doug Murray93$0.84
3.Jay Sutter96$0.67
3.Jason Strickland96$0.67
5.Steve Sillato97$0.56
6.Matt Bigelow98$0.49
7.Zach Chillinsky101$0.42
8.David Knowles105$0.35
9.Tony Szymczak106$0.28
10.Wubba Stamper107$0.18
10.Dave Rice107$0.18
12.Joe Milacek109$0.07
13.John Leite110$0.06
14.Craig Seibert112$0.05
15.Trevor Boyd113$0.04
16.Jeff Gilligan132$0.02
16.Dustin Schmidt132$0.02
18.Connor MazzaDNF$0.00

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Panel Of Experts (3)


As a HUGE waterworld fan, I approve of this story.

John, you never cease to amaze me. Good shit man. Had me laughing out loud at my desk at work, catching all kinds of stares from coworkers. Thanks dude. haha