CHICAGO does it Tom Hanks style....

Well folks, the Yahoos were back at it again this past weekend for 2011’s fourth outing of mediocrity.  This time out they took on the Odyssey Country Club set of 18 that resides both Tinley Park and the shadow of the New World Music Theater (Christ himself ((who believe it or not actually played this round with the boys under the name Paul Hiller…..very clever Jesus….very very clever)) probably doesn’t even know what they’re calling it these days……it’s just the World and I’m sure it’s still just as awful a concert venue as it was a decade ago).  Back to the topic at hand, the Chicago Chapter managed to put 33 players on the course on Saturday, setting a Chapter high….not too shabby for a first year club.      The point...   It was a very bizarre day right from the get go.  Upon passing the Club’s entrance gate, I couldn’t help but notice what appeared to be a very vivid rainbow offsetting the overcast northern sky.   It turned out my vision is far worse than I had previously thought, for as I neared the clubhouse, the rainbow actually turned out to be the “Sunday best wardrobe” of a very urban wedding ceremony being held on the Odyssey’s grounds.  It was an amazingly beautiful tapestry of colors located just west of a line of empty carts.  Other than that, none of our crew looked even remotely as good as I did out there on the course so let’s just move right along to the hacking shall we??   Guess which school in Ohio these yuppies went to...   I’m sad to say that we did have a few guys who were “no call/no shows” this time out……the saddest part being that we found out after the fact both truancies were due to their “chasing the muff around”.   Tisk tisk gentleman, lets get our priorities in line eh?....a few tiny years from now you’ll be sprinting out the door the second she “lets” you go golfing, don’t go wishing your lives away.  Matt “Furry Face” Furnish and Royne “Snugglemaster” Bjornson were greatly missed out there as Bjornson was a top performer in the season’s third outing……the world will never know what he could have achieved this time out if he’d have just gotten out of bed…………..no, seriously that’s really probably all he needed to do.   Tres Poles (yet showing their American pride….M’erica.   This year’s trophy went to Jeff Bittner, however J.D. Morgan took the trophy home because Bittner was on a yacht somewhere at an undisclosed location and as the men listed above, was not in attendance. J.D. Morgan at one point mentioned to me that he shot four birdies in a row….unfortunately for J.D., he totes around a UNC golf bag and even 10 straight birdies wouldn’t even come close to redeeming a public act that grotesque. We’d all like congratulate the “Polish threesome” (shown above) on their combined score of 370 which is just unheard of….but not unspeakable by any means……this record might have some serious legs boys…..well done.     Hot Rod J.D. receiving the hardware!   The “Meltdown Award” went to Jesse Karasik after crumbling like a deck of cards on the back nine.  Brian Rule managed to pop the longest drive of the day with a……you know what, it’s not important how far it went….it went a long ass way.  Your reporter was hammered. Ya, he's flexing.     Moving on…… All business when it comes to the Meltdown award       While the golf got them out there, let’s not lie to ourselves, the best stuff on the course was the nonsense that ensued around the countless strokes taken.  I think I’ll take a moment to share a few of my personal favorite moments on the course.  I spent the day zipping around in my cart with a six pack of assorted domestic brews (canned of course, this ain’t no disco)….anyway, Funniest moment of the day hands down goes to Mr. Jeff Waugh who I witnessed try and convince a “beer cart girl” that he was the only person in the world possessing a forty dollar bill………I sh*t you not, this was within 60 seconds of him walloping a colossal 40 yard drive.  Justin “Gomez” Torres gets the Paradise “Johnny On the Spot Award” as I pulled up to the 3rd tee box.  Due to Mr. Torres, were on the green and the tee box at the same time, it was amazing.  On a lower note, Gomez threw his “Mediocracy Award” in the drink…..taking the term yahoo to yet a new and unimaginable low.  I’d like to give my “Prep Wook” award to the guy that looked like Georgio Armani out there but was caught on camera chipping barefoot……this ain’t Bonnaroo brah…….but seriously you were adorable.  Also, honorable mentions to out to Dan “Spread the Red” Wagner and Jesse “I’m playing with a 2nd degree burn on the webbing of my left hand” Karasik…….yeah that happened.     Drew “Uberhard” Eberhard………without words…..seriously though, no idea what’s going on here.   Chicago's newest press secertary/photographer, Jason Paridise. Boy can that kid drive a golf cart!       Spread the “red”……     The two drunkest gentlemen in Illinois………surprisingly well behaved for “southsiders”.   It was an action packed day on the links with the yahoos but there was some much needed downtime as well which allowed me to keep up with my correspondence.  A big congratulations to all the players that made out and showcased their overall average (at best) talents……especially those of you that came out and rocked your pants off at the Ace Bar with the J.J. & Dre Trio later that night…….I seriously can’t believe some of you made it….A+ gentleman.    Eric, We'll wake you up in time for the next tourney on August 20th.