Mga News

Golf Course Designer Creates New Hazard

This story is from deep within the MGA Archives and is one of my favorites of all time. Originally written and published by top MGAer Dan "Bully" Bollwinkel on Feb. 15, 2009. Enjoy!

PACIFIC GROVE, CA - A source that is kinda close to the PGA tour has confirmed to sources in the MGA that are somewhat close to the source that is sorta close to the PGA tour that the so called “big tour” is preparing to announce a major change in golf course design for the remainder of the 2009 season.

Citing what the PGA is officially calling a “perfect shitstorm” of factors including the poor economy, declining sponsorship, the absence of Tiger Woods and John Daly, and the meteoric rise in popularity of the MGA, the PGA tour will announce just prior to this week’s WGC Accenture Match Play Championship, the inclusion of a new form of hazard to be incorporated in all PGA approved courses.

The “fire hazard,” brainchild of little known course designer Dick “ham sandwich” Wilkinson of Hoboken NJ is set to revolutionize professional golf for decades to come. In addition to sand traps, graduated rough, water and trees, golf courses on the PGA tour and eventually all over the world will now be outfitted with flaming pits of debris and piles of smoldering brush.

According to Tim Finchum, a guy with a similar name as PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem, “Long gone are the days of this new generation of PGA player shooting 20 under par to win a tournament.  It won’t matter anymore if you can drive a golf ball 350 yards, as long as that monstrous drive comes to rest in a pile of flaming old tires, that is.”

The USGA is apparently in agreement with this new design feature, stating from an unknown source that all present rules regarding bunkers will apply to the new fire hazards, meaning players may not ground their club in the flames, nor may they attempt to alter in any way the position in which the ball comes to rest in the flames.  If a ball is deemed “unplayable,” it may be placed approximately up to two club lengths in the hazard at the penalty of one stroke.

The PGA tour is already drawing heat from the Player’s Association for the potential safety risks involved with fire hazards, and also some hot air from environmental groups regarding the impact on the atmosphere of literally tens of thousands of small perpetually burning fires across the country and eventually the globe.

“We understand that there are some concerns,” said Finchum at an entirely unofficial press conference held in the parking lot of a Denny’s just miles from last weekend’s Pebble Beach Pro-Am, “but with innovative design comes a great deal of planning and concern.  If the players wish to continue to see the phenomenal purses of recent years, they’re going to have to jump in the fire, so to speak, like the rest of the country in these tough times.”

Finchum went on to address the safety and environmental concerns in greater detail: “We are currently looking into the present attire policy on tour to make room for Nomex gloves, shirts and pants, as well as permitting caddies to carry small fire extinguishers to address a potentially flaming golfer emerging from a fire hazard.  As far as the environment is concerned, well, golf courses in general are already arguably the most wasteful use of natural resources on the planet so we figured: what the heck.”

Citing the continued popularity of professional wrestling, mud bogs, NASCAR, and monster truck rallies, all sports incorporating fire and/or pyrotechnics, Finchum expressed a desire for the PGA tour to seek out an expanded fan base.  “We’ve all just watched the film Happy Gilmore, so we now know that a more working-class fan base can potentially become interested in golf once more.  Just imagine how much more exciting and extreme the game will be for fans with their favorite players risking third-degree burns in order to save a miraculous par.”

Just what such a par-save will be called in the vernacular of the game is also yet to be determined.  However, the phrases “flame-out,” “firepar,” “flamey,” “par flambé,” and a “flamer,” have all been tossed around.