Chapter News

IEMGA- Bratish Open was "Knees Up"

LAKE ELSINORE, CA - A "fortnight" after battling the heat of the desert, the OC and El Presidente... 11 IEMGA Medios had nothing better to do than "wag off" on the golf course at the Links at Summerly. They arrived "warts and all" for the earliest tee time of the season and were greeted with a "blinding" shot of 12 year Single Malt Scotch Whiskey, since it was universally assumed that nobody wants to drink British Gin at 6am.  Out on the course a Blond Mary Poppins magically dispensed Double Bloody Marys and IPA's and then flew away even with no wind... the drinks were said to be Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. 

One NEW Medio, Ricky "Dick" Dunham, started out his MGA career in spectacular fashion. After carding a Mirdie on #1, he took a 10 on #2, ANOTHER Mirdie on #3, and then 11, 12, on holes 4 & 5. He would card another 12 on #7 and finish the front 9 at 76, one stroke shy of the IEMGA record high 9 hole score set by Alex "making it rain" Rainey at the FU Open. Just when it appeared Ricky's golf game was nothing more than a "damp squib", He steps up to a 173 yd par 3, takes a swing and then immediately picks up his tee and throws it in disgust and walks away. A few other Medios were mumbling, "looked pretty good from here..." so Ricky took a friendly ribbing when the group approached the green to see the ball nestled up next to the cup like a Bratish Open winner moterboating the Claret Jugs.  By carding a Meagle and dodging double digit holes on the back nine, he was able to shoot a pefectly mediocre 53 and finish at 129, Yet still taking home the Red Key. He also won a Gift Certificate for 2 Large Buckets and a Beer at the Range after taking an IEMGA high 34 "Tops, Duffs, Yanks, Shanks, and Misses". (The Stat of the Tournament).  

Ryan "Red Key" Kelly has successfully avoided the award for three tournaments in a row now after "winning" it the first two times out. But after declaring "I'm ready to try to win" just days prior, Ryan came in at 117 and on this day was found to be "all mouth and no trousers".  But every dog has his day and other days he gets dogged so chin up lad, back into the fray. 

The Middle of the pack was a bag of "Odds and Sods"... After an 11 on hole 18, Sam's 109 didn't really turn any heads but he did card a Meagle and "luck into" a prize of 24 recycled golf balls for hitting the most mediocre amount of "Tops, Duffs, Yanks, Shanks, and Misses". Larry might as well have brought some "eating irons" instead of the golfing variety as his improvement on the range didn't translate on the scorecard. There are many believers that He'll put it all together soon. Tiger Garcia yet again came in as yet another average "Joe Bloggs" and claimed his 3rd Mediocre award with a 104. Wild Turkey carded 6 Mirdies but still stumbled home to a 102, keeping his streak of not breaking 100 in a tournament alive and well at five in a row.

For the first time ever, the top 5 IEMGA Medios all came in under 100. This shouldn't be impressive to anyone but it was worth mentioning anyways. Chapter Leader J "far from a star" Olson was coming into the Bratish off of a solid showing at The Bob Dope Classic, and the host course was where he had his lifetime low score of a 79 just earlier this year. All of those positives added up to "tosh" as Jstar battled to a 97, including the 2nd most "Tops, Duffs, Yanks, Shanks, and Misses" with 26. That's 26 truly aweful shots, many of which barely left the ground. He pulled it together on the back to shoot 45 and break 100, but he was the only Medio in the top 5 that had no business being there the way he played that day.

Graham "Gramicane" Shelton on the other hand had a personal best type day. With his first ever lead over the field after the front 9, hole #13 proved to be his undoing. After dribbling a ball off of the tee into a waste area, several other Medios suggested he might as well tee it up again. He did, and hit a marginally better shot but only slightly. After finding his first ball and realizing the dire situation he was in he tried to claim the 2nd tee ball was an implied provisional. When the other Medios nixed that idea bc he didn't say provisional, it was evident an "argy-bargy" was building. After hitting a ball into one of the Burms than ran throughout the course and made Tiger stripes of hole 13, the "argy bargy" almost turned into a full on "Kerfuffle". When the sand dust finally settled, Gramicane had carded a 13 on the 13th and the normally chipper Medio was visually "Gutted".  He would finish at 97, one stroke shy of the playoff, two strokes from an outright victory. It was a tough break for sure and he earned his 2nd consecutive Meltdown award for it. On the bright side, He did claim his 1st Kinda Long Drive award and still had his best finish of the season.    

After a round wrecking 2nd hole in his first tournament, Tim "19" Minamyer channeled his British Heritage and played a solid round, Except for the 2nd hole ... AGAIN !!! This time it was only a 10 and he recovered nicely with alot of 3's, 4's, & 5's on the scorecard, but we've found his Kryptonite and any Medios playing with him are unlikely to let him forget it, until he is able to exercise his 2nd hole demons. His 91 +5 penalty strokes put him in a tie for the Jugs after 18 holes. 

Brian "Best Dressed" Carson (cover shot) was battling Gramicane head to head all round. Trailing by only one stroke heading into the back 9, he did his best to give the tournament away on hole #12 by trying to be a Mediocre Hero and hit a ball out of the reeds and water's edge (Check @iemga on Instagram for a video of the mini-meltdown).  He ended up with an 11 and if it wasn't for Gramicane's 13 on the following hole, it would have been a much bigger mental hit. Brian was able to hold it together for the rest of the back 9 and finshed with a gross/net 96 to make the playoff.

(Screw You) Kyle is a real "corker".  He "knows his onions" when it comes to small ball and has the game to back it up. After a mediocre front 9, he caught fire with back-to-back Meagles on 10 & 11 and rode the momentum to a 40 on the back to win the Gross award with an 86. But with his IEMGA high and well warranted 10 penalty strokes he turned the playoff party into a 3 way. He also claimed his first of likely many Kinda Close money clips.   

It would take no less effort to part the sea or move a mountain than it took to get all three Medios to leave their frosty cold beers, go back out to the car for their bags, and mount up to head out for a scorching hot playoff hole. It was briefly suggested that a chip and putt contest determine the winner but after Tim said, "we might as well play pin the tail on the donkey" (hahahahaha) the three contenders and two Medios made the trip back out to hole #1, a 350 yd par 4. We actually did a live video of the playoff on Instagram without knowing it doesn't save, and without letting the Medios back up at the clubhouse know so it was kinda a fail in that regard. We did however have one viewer... 2017 Bastards Champion Danny Grubada who missed the tourney due to a new full leg tatoo (and fell out of 2nd place on the chapter money list because of it).

Anyways, Kyle won honors on the tee flip and immediately proceeded to stripe one dead straight about 330 leaving him 15 yards to the green to a front pin placement, so the pressure was on immediately. Both Tim and Brian responded well and hit similar shots just into the left rough about 120 out.  Brian was first up and unfortunately topped one into the bunker and was left with the lie pictured above. It was about as close to impossible of a bunker shot as we've seen all year. After two bunker shots and another shot that missed the green it was down to 2. Tim's approach shot got pushed right of the green just short of pin high, and his chip came up just short. Kyle actually duffed his 2nd shot short of the green from 15 yds and even after chipping on had left the door open for Tim. Tim needed a chip in to win b/c of Kyle's 1 penalty stroke and gave it a go but it rolled past the cup and Kyle tapped in for Mirdie and his first Tournament WIN!!!  

Event Results

1.Kyle Rossi96$0.87
2.Brian Carson96$0.53
2.Tim Minamyer96$0.53
4.J "far from a star" Olson97$0.41
4.Graham Shelton97$0.41
6.Jeff Olson102$0.34
7.Christopher Garcia104$0.29
8.Lawrence Kelly108$0.24
9.Sam Shedd114$0.19
10.Ryan Kelly117$0.14
11.Richard Dunham129$0.10

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Panel Of Experts (4)


You're not as clever as you think you are, piss off you wanker!

Nice write up govna

Hahaha thnx

Hahaha thnx