Jon Mirkin Beats Heat and Meat at 2012 Baltimore F.U. Open

“Think we should have stretched a bit?” “Does a lion stretch before he takes down a gazelle?” The words pushed through the thick, humid Baltimore air.

That was all that was spoken, all that was said, as two pioneers walked onto the first tee box to finish what started 5 hours ago… 2 days. Hell, 4 months ago it seemed at this point. The heat can do that to ya, and 17 brave if not slightly intoxicated Americans set off on an excursion, neh, pilgrimage that would make the likes of Christopher Columbus shit his pants. And I’m pretty sure that is a direct quote. Wiki it.

The annual F.U. Open was held this past weekend at Glenn Dale Golf Club and the heat wasn’t the only thing threatening to break into the triple digits. Member favorite Tricky Ricky the Dick Gammage had another outstanding round of 135 teaching us all that even if you clearly suck at something, like really really suck, well, it’s ok. And that’s pretty cool. 

Future Hall-of-Shame-r Kevin Leahy, had his 15 seconds taking home the closest to the pin challenge award. He should be thankful he has achieved this much so far, and be prepared for a life of mediocre-ness from here on out. Newcomer, and possible threat to the leader boards, Ross Bento Box Bennett, finished a solid round posting a 91 gross score and the longest drive winner. His secret to low numbers and long drives, “Rice and raw fish”. For those that do not know Bento Box Bennett, he is not Asian, so this is not racist. In fact, maybe you’re racist if you thought he was Asian, think about that.

Greg The Mess Messer displayed his lack of greatness completing the round at 101 giving him the Most Mediocre Award. Way to aim for the middle of the pack Greg! Taking home the Meltdown Award this week is a man that needs no introduction, because he probably shit the bed 45 minutes ago and already left to clean his sheets, but never the less, Josh Mo Funk In The Trunk Dunkerly cleans up, if you will, in this department.

As the groups finished one by one, beaten down and bruised, they quickly found their way to the bar to turn in scorecards, lick their wounds while rewarding their ability to swing a stick and hit a ball most of the time, for the better part of 6 hours. But all was not calm and a rumble within the crowd had started…

Seems this Cinderella story wasn’t over yet. Local legends boasting the ability to cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes and having the accuracy to hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy, Doug The Pretty Cool Dude Martin and Jon the Jerk Mirkin were dead even at the top of the leader board with a pair of 88’s. Like many great champions before them, they knew what they had to do, it was a walk-off...

followed up with a sudden death round back on tee box numeral one. Mirk The Jerk started off in trouble, visibly nervous going up against one of the greatest golfers known to mankind is no easy task. Let alone when you’re clearly out of shape. However Jon, like an old, pathetic dog holding on to his last few breaths, held on, and a dog fight it was indeed. From Martin’s bunker to green save, to Mirkins… to Mirkins…

Well I’m pretty sure he had some nice shots in there too. But I was too in awe of Doug Martin’s quiet confidence that demanded the attention of the gallery (a few die hard MGA Patriots that hadn’t realized yet there was nothing in it for them). For two holes they charged through the battlefield dead even. But in the end, Martin had an all but impossible shot over an EXTREMELY large water hazard and in mid-down swing, what appeared to be an American Bald Eagle emerged from the pearly gates of heaven and peered into Martin’s soul and vise versa. In slow motion, as the Eagle soared through the air, you could see his tiny little bird beak mouth the words…. FFFFF.UUUUUUUUUUU.

The shot rocketed into the EXTREMELY large water hazard. Mirkin’s shot landed somewhere near or on the green. Whatever, he made less putts then Doug, and took home the large check.

The Eagle was never seen again.