THIS JUST IN!!! DC MGA Narrowly Avoids Scandal.
The DC MGA narrowly avoided scandal at the 2017 Rebel Beach Am-Am, because nobody at home gives a damn how you marked your ball. In a shocking twist, nobody, including most of the players, wants to watch an MGA tournament. Therefore, there was no orca-fat bastard sitting on his couch with 2 copies of the USGA rule book, 27 empty bags of Cheetos, and about 18 liters of Mountain Dew Code Red coursing through his type-3 diabetic bloodstream writing John Morley emails about the mistake he noticed after the third time he rubbed one out over the dvr’ed scene of you bending down to mark a putt. Lucky you!
I know, I know. It’s been a full two weeks, and you’re dying to read about how great you were at the Am-Am. But these things take time. There’s a whole process that begins with my mourning the fact that I suck at golf, and moves on to the part where I drink away a fair number of memories from the event. From there, I get to the part where I can write a semi-factual account of what happened without suffering a guilty conscience for the contradictions, ambiguities, or outright fabrications. But the quality of this author’s work is not to be impugned. NO! I provide a 2% guarantee with every article I write. That’s right, kids; at least 2% of what you read here is guaranteed to be true. So, once I’ve written somebody’s name, I promise to get back to the truth in 49 words or less. Really, it’s better for everyone that way.
Spring has sprung in the Washington, DC metro area, and with it arrives the 2017 Season of the Mediocre Golf association. In a completely non-ironic turn of events, the 2017 DC Rebel Beach Am-Am was held on April 1, with a full slate of players meeting on the Oaks Course at Twin Lakes in Fairfax, Virginia. This time of year is when we celebrate renewal, and express hope for new beginnings. The hope was short-lived, but the renewal was real. In fact, the DC MGA was almost completely renewed when Taylor Mauck and his merry band of newly-minted medios joined the chapter to round out a field of 14 players and a couple of guests. With them, we got plenty of mediocrity and a few new catchy phrases. If you’re an elderly curmudgeon like myself and didn’t pick it up either before or at the Am-Am, I strongly recommend you get yourself some “Tour Sauce” for your next outing. It makes every shot taste better. Of course, our Queso Grande Andrew Knous was still the one making sure we have a chapter to call home and a reason to believe we don’t suck as badly at this game as we fear, and a few veterans of the tour were on hand to carry on this long tradition of mediocre golf in our nation’s capital.
The weather was strikingly cooperative for April, and we were treated to a sunny day that was also one of the most ridiculously windy days of golf ever played in the continental United States. There was plenty of mediocrity to go around, and a few memorable moments. Jay LeBlanc was playing his round from the tips, courtesy of an exceptionally non-mediocre round at the 2016 Last Gasp. Feel free to review the “choose your own adventure” article about that one. The ending is a real thriller. While Jay played the black tees, everyone else was on the regulation tee boxes.
Did I mention that it was windy? I’m pretty sure I got a glimpse of Auntie Em playing freeze tag with a bunch of flying monkeys on the fourth hole. However, I think the wind wasn’t the cause of Jared Anable’s trouble. That guy swings so hard that he flew a 9-iron somewhere around 170 yards, well long of the green on the par 3 twelfth hole. I think a putter might have been the right club selection there, Hercules!
Throughout the round, mediocrity got the best of us, and there were moments of obvious frustration. Jamie Kessler hit a beautiful shot out of one sand trap right into another, and followed it by a back-handed club throw. Taylor Mauck hit a 70-yard approach shot to within 68 yards of the hole, and threw that club a solid 20 yards. He followed that up by forgetting to pick up that club on his way to the green. Jay LeBlanc didn’t throw any clubs (I’m as shocked as you are), but he did have to use one to defend himself against a particularly aggressive goose. Turns out, he hit an extra birdie.
When it was all said and done, the winning team was Catherine Keaty and Jamie Kessler of team “Girl on Girl” who walked away with the trophies. Jay LeBlanc got himself his second big check in a row, which means he’ll play his next event from what we like to call “the tippy tips”. If he manages to eek out a win from there, he’ll play from the tee box we call “the moon”. Meredith Thomason proved her mettle with the long drive win, and Andreas Keeler earned himself a closest to the pin award. Ryan Kessler showed his mediocrity with a meltdown award, and the key to the red tee went to Morgan Sadler. Fortunately, the key also does double duty as a bottle opener. He’ll make good use of that.
So make sure you grab your non-douchey playing partners, and join us at Little Bennett for the Bastards on April 29.