LVMGA Bratish Open: We Finished!

I typically don’t make it a point to quote famous 21^st century philosophers, but I believe Shakespeare said it best when addressing the Romans at Ceaser’s Palace: “I just added three more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine”. Unfortunately one of the wolves bailed the morning of the inaugural Las Vegas Chapter tournament. So it was just us three wolves, running around the desert – looking for golf balls, not strippers. 

It was a cool morning somewhere; but not where we played. Wildhorse Golf Course in Las Vegas was blessed with abundant sunshine and 100+ degree temps. That didn’t deter this group from swinging a club far too many times than we should have.

Our goal was to kinda finish all 18. It was a fight for survival. We knew how important this day was. It’s the kind of day we would tell the neighbor’s grandchildren about. The kind of event they ask you about when interviewed on ESPN Classic: they would ask “You played in the first LVMGA tournament… Tell us about it?” We had to finish. We had to do it for the fans, for those that have come before us, and all those that will follow in our footsteps. We had to do it because we already had our clubs on the cart and we would look pathetic if we turned back now. 

With all the excitement surrounding the tournament it now seems a little disappointing that the biggest takeaway is the discovery that you can enter an 8 on your scorecard even if the scorecard is upside down – and it’s still an eight! It’s a real timesaver.

Only the action from a few holes can actually be recalled. The heat and the booze resulted in a loss of brain cells and subsequent loss of short term memory. Here’s what comes to mind:

#4: There is more water than grass on this hole. It’s really quite stupid. From the tee box: Trevor puts one in the water. Trevor puts another in the water. Trevor puts another in the water. Trevor puts… you get the idea. 

#6: Louie was on in two with a shot at a Meagle. He finally taps it in from 3 inches for an 8.

#7: Louie 2 putts for par, but Jason and Trevor each 4 putt in an effort to maintain our “cumulative putt per hole” average of 10.

#16: At the tee box Jason has a stark realization: “holy shit this is a 603 yard par 5, we’ll never see the end of this”. It was a somber moment that made us all think about what’s really important in life. That same hole Louie manages to crush his drive. Oh, and for once it is straight. Louie follows the drive with a 3 wood shot the nets 100 yards but grossed 300. Here’s how that works: 200 yards forward, hit a tree and bounce back 100 yards. It took at least a half dozen more swings before this hell hole was finally over. But we did it.

#17: All I have is a quote. It makes little sense, so it must be heat stroke induced. Jason: “I don’t like it as much as I like it, but I like it”. Your guess is as good as mine. Still don’t know WTF that meant. #17 was also the hole that Louie locked in the “closest to the pin”. It was pretty awesome. Originally a par 4 or 5, the hole was under construction. They had it set up as a 70 yard par 3. Luckily I typically hit my SW approximately 5-80 yards based on the wind and luck. This time it was spot on at 69 yards. I easily 3 putted that for a mogie. 

The crew sustained only minor injuries:

Trevor suffered some delusions as a result of the heat. Obviously the delusion that he could clear the water on #4 (see above) and apparently he had some delusions that the pigeons were trying to take his ball. He tried to chase them in his cart...

...and then he tried attacking them with his club...

It was starting to get a little weird, but he calmed down on the third hole.

Jason incurred some minor skin abrasions when he had to venture into some of the local landscape in search of his ball. He is a tough guy, so the crying only lasted 30 minutes before he was back at it with that razor focus he is not famous for.

They don’t call me “Death Grip” for nothing. Actually no one has ever called me that. I did suffer a blister and it hurt really bad. Apparently sitting at a desk all day does not result in tough enough hands for a contact sport like golf. 

Did I mention the heat? I’m not sure of our exact altitude; but from what I can tell, we were approximately ¼ mile from the sun. We later found out some people book their tee times early in the morning when it’s cooler. Duly noted. We were delighted when the hot dog lady offered us some chilled towels for our sun beaten necks. Turns out they were simply napkins soaked in ice water. Jason quickly identified they could be used as ascots. After we laughed at the word “ascot” for about 5 minutes, an intense debate ensued: Freddy from Scooby Doo wore an ascot. Was it orange or blue? We still don’t know. I refuse to Google it. I want to meet someone with enough Scooby Doo trivia knowledge that can provide an answer. Jinkies! We did agree that Daphne was hot, but Velma was probably more fun…

The LV MGA is no longer a virgin, but we put up a good fight. See all of you at the World Championship! I’m gonna buy a bunch of chips, salsa and booze. You guys can crash at my place. It’s cool.