SFMGA’s Kent Jamieson and Fat Mike Sentenced To Life!
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Kent Jamieson and Fat Mike were sentenced today to life in the MGA when they were found guilty of crimes against golf. The formal charge was possession of mediocre golf games with the intent to distribute. It was an open and shut face, as overwhelming evidence showed that since 2008, Jamieson and Mike made multiple attempts to expand the MGA and its golf-criminal network across the globe.
Records show it began in the summer of 2008, when Jamieson leaked valuable MGA secrets to a shady-looking bearded man in Seattle. These secrets filtered out to Aaron Regan, who threatened to blow the lid off the entire organization unless he was permitted to start a chapter. The MGA granted him a chapter in hopes it would quiet things down. It did, but only for a few months. As they feared, Mike couldn’t keep quiet and the MGA new it was in trouble. Soon chapters were sprouting up all over the world.
So in what was most likely an effort to keep its friends close and enemies closer, the MGA filed charges against Jamieson and Mike. Hoping that if they could bring these two in closer, they might be more careful with MGA trade secrets and stop the spread of all this bad golf.
“I am extremely happy that these two got what was coming to them,” MGA El Presidente Jon Morley said. “I’ve been so damn busy trying to deal with all the chapters they’ve helped start that I barely have time to golf anymore! They have been a constant thorn in my side as I’ve tried to keep this whole thing under wraps and I’m glad I’ll now be able to keep a close watch on them until the end of time.”
When asked how he felt about his life sentence, Mike had only this to say, "I'm honored?"
The MGA front office issued this statement as a warning to any other golf criminals out there.
“If the MGA finds out you are responsible for the spreading of trade secrets that result in a chapter being set up in another town, you will be given a life sentence. This goes for chapter leaders as well, as you are just as guilty as anyone.”
The MGA went on to say that there is no statute of limitations for these charges. So anyone who has ever started a chapter or is directly responsible for a chapter starting in another city will be held accountable. They will be held without trial, for eternity, in the MGA. For free.
Jamieson chose not to mention his life sentence when questioned on the courthouse steps.
“The MGA changed my life,” Jamieson said. “In the past I only had Mike to play mediocre golf with; now I have so many shitty golfers in my life it’s about deciding who not to suck at golf with.”
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