Chapter News

TLH-MGA MGA Championships '17 "POWER RANKINGS"

2017 MGA Championship Power Rankings

Features of the 2017 Mercedes Benz E-Class, ranked

1.) DYNAMIC SELECT dials in the car's performance character with the tap of a console button. The throttle, shifting, chassis and more sharpen in Sport mode, ease up in ECO. There's even a mode you can set up as you like.  The MGA has seen no character more dialed-in over the past 2 seasons than Matthew Millar and that should not be expected to change.

2.) Groundbreaking "Car-to-X" technology connects your E-Class to a central information resource, to send you in-car updates about driving conditions before you get to them. Enough to remind one of our Chapter Leader’s “Ian-to-idiots” technology, which allows for constant updates of tee times, groupings, and results.

3.)This isn't just the most advanced E-Class yet. With technologies never before offered on a production car, the E-Class writes a new chapter in the story of driving.  Much like the driving of Joel Webb who had a drive so long at the Bratish that Ian thought somebody had taken the long drive stake.  He simply hadn’t crested the hill that JWebb’s drive had sailed over.

4.) DRIVE PILOT takes intelligent cruise control in a new direction: sideways. It can stop and go with the flow as easy as Mr. Robert Birken, and help you stay between the lines, even in curves. And now you can change lanes with just a touch of the turn-signal lever. Mazel.

5.) Like Bill Fredericks, athletically elegant outside, it's in the E-Class cabin where your senses come alive. Vivid screens and flowing shapes entice the eyes. And from multitouch controls to aromatherapy and a hot stone massage, wherever you touch, it (and he) caresses you back.

6.) A panoramic 12.3-inch screen unites navigation, entertainment and countless comfort features. Sharper graphics and more intuitive menus are clear to the eye and the mind.  A Japense-esque sensation only familiar to you because of your association with Hiraga-san, your ticket to the sophistication of the Orient. A second 12.3-inch graphical instrument cluster is optional.

7.) As was needed by Pete Ford to make it to American shores, standard COMAND® navigation helps get you where you want to go with 3D maps, live traffic, searching via Yelp or HERE™, and lane advice before turns. The touchpad controller lets you control by tapping, twisting or even handwriting.

8.) Mercedes-Benz engineers are human engineers first. When PRE-SAFE® Sound senses an impending collision, it emits safe "pink noise" via the audio system to pre-trigger your ears' natural defense against the loud noises of an accident.  The “pink noise” of the MGA, Nicky Mazz, alerts us all from nearly any point on the course, even if Nick isn’t in viewing range.

9.) While the E-Class passionately grips the pavement like a handshake from Joseph St. Germain, it holds its favorite driver with equal affection. The enduring support of its ergonomically contoured and crafted seats can be further enhanced with active side bolsters.

10.) PRE-SAFE® Impulse Side is an industry first that can help prepare you for an impending side impact. By rapidly inflating in a Dan Piotrowski-like fashion the front-seat bolster, it can move you further from an intrusion and help reduce the forces of impact. 

11.) The E-Class cabin flows with the contours of nature. Fine-tailored seats are sculpted to match the muscles in your body. Exotic yet sustainable, (words that could also describe the swing of The Turk) woods sweep door-to-door, their natural glow edge-lit by 64-color LED ambience.

12.) The E300's turbo engine squeezes more power from less fuel, atomizing and itemizing every drop, and self-tuning every few milliseconds. A new 9-speed transmission responds more quickly yet relaxes more efficiently.  Comparable to the awesome power of Joe Piotrowski, squeezing victory from the massive grip of 6 penalty strokes.

13.) You don't measure a car's efficiency just at the gas pump. It's also something you feel in its confident agility. How it moves into traffic, or negotiates a surprise of a jungle Asian sneak attack. It's how an E-Class always feels right for the times, and in the moment.

14.) Available new AIR BODY CONTROL turns pressurized air into poised handling and a polished ride. It's self-leveling and adaptive, with modes for solo jaunts on twisty roads to Sunday journeys with the whole family aboard.  Terrifying when you think of the twisty road, solo jaunts Phil Willette may be taking on his way back to C-ville after an MGA afternoon in Quincy.  Alert the authorities.

Sorry, I ran out of features:

15.) LHG

16.) Commissioner Schack

17.) Ross Fitchner

18.) Bogus