Chapter News

Make Columbus MGA Great Again

[By: John Leite]

The MGA was built on the premise that the destitute and feeble would always have a place to compete with their sub-par golf skills.  The league holds dear that a golfer is not defined by his time spent practicing, but rather by his ability to create excuses for never improving.  The Columbus chapter has followed these principles religiously until recently when our moral fabric has come under attack by an explosion of foreign animals and thugs.  The chapter’s borders were assaulted throughout the offseason by 33 golfing refugees seeking asylum.

At the 2019 Rebel Beach Am-Am these immigrants stole the top seven spots from the Columbus MGA’s loyal, god-fearing medios.  These thugs tarnished the reputation of this great league by largely posting scores under mar. Inexplicably, President Trump made himself available for an interview following the tournament and expressed great concern about the new golfers, saying; “When other golf leagues send their people [to the MGA], they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”

The scourge of immigration was prompted by chapter leader Jason Strickland adopting an open border platform this offseason.  In an attempt to generate revenue for his private business he spent the offseason talking about the league on the main-stream media website, reddit.  His blatant self-promotion led Trump to comment, “ISIS is honoring him [Strickland].  He is the founder of ISIS, and I would say the co-founder is crooked Hillary Clinton.”  Many have petitioned the patriot, El Presidente, to formally condemn the actions of this communist.   

Some Columbus chapter members have speculated that the pro-immigration campaign was funded by Cincinnati chapter leader, Bill Morley.  Over the last few seasons Bill has aggressively worked to win the Buckeye Cup. We now believe that he was instumental in the off-season recruiting by referring low handicap golfers to Columbus. According to an anonymous source, “Morley wants to stack the Columbus team with players that carry significant penalty strokes.”  The source also commented, “I moved on him [Jeff Gilligan] like a bitch, but I couldn't get there, and he was married. Then all of a sudden I see [Gilligan], he's now got the big phony tits and everything…  And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything ... Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Anthony Cable won the event with a score of 84.  Starsky and Hutch won the team event.

Event Recap

  • Columbus MGA record 48 participants including 44 Columbus members, 1 Beavercreek member and 3 guests
  • 28 members made their MGA debut


  • Anthony Cable wins 2019 Columbus Rebel Beach Am-Am with score of 84
  • Merrill Wheeler and Joe Ritch win team trophies with combined score of 177
  • Connor Mazza DQ's for 8th time in his career, wins Long Drive and Gross Award
  • Jason Smelser wins Closest to the Pin
  • Brian Benvenuto wins Most Mediocre award with 51-51, 102
  • Brice Darbyshire wins Meltdown award with 14 stroke meltdown
  • William Sorokas wins Red Key with 135, proceeds to give acceptance speech


  • The top 7 positions all went to brand new members
  • Doug Short tied an all-time chapter record after scoring 9 consecutive mars (bogeys) from hole 3 through hole 11.
  • Connor Mazza, Justin Scribner and Ben Reeb (Weekend Hack) each scored mar or better on 17 of the 18 holes.


  • The team of John Leite and Brent Isner managed to shotgun 2 beers in the first 3 holes. (Still waiting on confirmation if that pace held through the round)

Event Results

1.Anthony Cable84$1.12
2.Joe Ritch85$0.74
3.Justin Scribner88$0.62
4.Zac Laumer89$0.50
4.Ben Reeb89$0.50
4.Sam Palumbo89$0.50
7.Robert McArthur90$0.37
8.Merrill Wheeler92$0.28
8.Todd Hamilton92$0.28
10.Ryan Chiarito93$0.19
11.Matt Keller94$0.12
12.Jason Strickland95$0.06
12.John Leite95$0.06
14.Matt Bigelow96$0.04
15.Doug Short97$0.02
15.David Knowles97$0.02
17.josh stephens98$0.00
17.Jonathon Reeb98$0.00
17.Brent Isner98$0.00
20.Timothy Collins99$0.00
20.Andy Klausing99$0.00
22.Zachary Dunham102$0.00
22.Jimmy Treboni102$0.00
22.Brian BenVenuto102$0.00
25.John Stamper104$0.00
26.Charles Fitch105$0.00
27.Ian S Bach108$0.00
28.Mike Hardie109$0.00
29.Mathew Mayo111$0.00
29.Riley Saelens111$0.00
29.Dylan Harbolt111$0.00
32.Jason Smelser112$0.00
32.Dustin Schmidt112$0.00
34.Mike Galvin115$0.00
35.Jacob Wollenberg116$0.00
36.Justin Butt118$0.00
37.Matt Arrasmith 119$0.00
37.Jeff Gilligan119$0.00
39.Jason Tolman121$0.00
40.Joe Kelly122$0.00
41.Brice Darbyshire124$0.00
42.Tim Koruna132$0.00
43.William Sorokas135$0.00
44.Connor MazzaDQ$0.00