Chapter News

MGABoston – Jon Scully: 'Grade A' Bastard!

The 2012 Bastards once again returned to the chapter’s home course, Hillview Country Club, where two years ago Todd Benoit stole the title like a thief in the night. And where 2012 witnessed the closest finish in chapter history, launching the Fuzz on his meteoric rise to the top of the GML.

Many of the chapter’s “elite” arrived early, hoping some pre-round warm-ups would net them the first major championship of the season.

The Bastards witnessed the return to full time play of the Black Widow, who had taken off the 2011 season to finish construction of his masterbatorium. It also offered the 2012 debut of the Guv'nah, Tom Spenard, fresh of his honeymoon. Rested, relaxed, and ready to play some terrible golf.

The par-5 first tee always poses a psychologically daunting start; golfers must land their tee shots in the bunker-free 50-yard wide fairway. The mark of a mediocre golfer is to make the easy difficult. Proving that practice is overrated, 15 of 16 golfers found the rough/woods/maintenance shed on their first shot.

Four failed to clear the ladies tees.

Only Johnny Lee rose to the challenge with an absolutely mammoth drive that once and for all confirmed: his second testicle had indeed dropped.

Lee would go on to tear up the front 9, setting a scorching pace of 10-over-par-46, en route to his first ever lead at the turn. Lee had given himself a fine shot at his first ever tour win, and had it not been for holes 10-18, and an unfortunate encounter with a very nasty tree, he might have gone home with the Blue Trucker Hat, instead of a squishy foam ball.

The rest of the round was effectively a media blackout. In part this is because chapter photographer Mike Berk blew off the event to take pictures at some wedding. Thanks a lot, Ansell Adams.

To be honest, it’s also because the 2012 Bastards offered a display of some of the worst golf ever played, anywhere, ever. Though it should be noted that, considering how low chapter members had set the bar,

their ability to get under it was no small feat.

And we’re back. Moving on to the awards ceremony, Long Drive honors went to Terry Boland for a superhuman 225 yard bomb on the par-4 5th. Closest to the Pin went to The Guv'nah. Considering his recent nuptials, it's probably the closest he’ll get to sticking it the hole for some time.

The Gross Award went to Nat Gordon, who quietly put up the best (per-handicap net) round of the day.

Rounding out the awards, Bobby Sprouts took home the Golden M.

When all scores were tallied, the 2012 Bastards was the closest finish in history, surpassing the previous year’s results. The abacus revealed thirteen players finished within seven strokes of the lead, while 8 finished within four strokes, and three finished one stroke back . More importantly, two players had finished in a tie for the win at 99: Jon Scully and The Fuzz. The MGABoston set off on its second ever playoff.

If the quality of golf that brought us to the playoff was hard to stomach, the playoff itself was like watching a parent-on-in-law orgy.  It began with a gallery of 14, and finished with a crowd of 6, including the competitors. Painful doesn’t begin to describe it.