Chapter News

A Moist Douchebag

Q: What do you call a group of Douchebags gathered together?  A: a Douche Armada.   Thank you Urban dictionary we all learned something new today.   This is just what we were able to witness during the 2022 Tampa Douchebag invitational with 2 time "winners" Chris Adams, Troy McNeal, and one timers Hayden Lewis and Carl Canestrano rounding out the Douche Armada.

In the time honored tradition of the Douchebag Invitational, one or more players bailed at the last minute and caused all of the foursomes to be switched up the morning of the event.  Cart cards had to be re-written *by hand,  online scoring had to be modified to match the new starting holes and of course lots of new foursome printouts for check-in had to be run.   Thus you see just a portion of the butterfly effect of the "Douchebag" in action.

In reality, stuff happens so this is expected.  No harm no foul ish.

Right from the start the mother nature shows just how douchey it can be with swamped bunkers, uncut rough, and mushy fairways swallowing balls faster than your mom on a Saturday night.   Ari can be seen right off the tee box on his first hole, already a victim of the high moisture conditions.  Slippery grips caused more than a few players to spray their shots all over the place.  Thankfully for Ari, his completely non-douchebag cartner & CL had his back with one the 47 unused right hand rain gloves from his bag.   Ari -Two Gloves- Simon was able to regain his composure and control after that.   We can't say the same for the rest of the field.

The turn was a bit different this year as we are playing right in Tom Wilke's backyard.   Hole #10 aka "A Place for Tom" (totally not a nursing home, totally) we found Sam ready for the onslaught of Douchebags.  She prepared some light snacks and of course it wouldn't be a Tom Wilkes production without the obligatory Fireball shots.  The neverending bucket o' shots were a welcome break from the stop & go traffic from the early morning men's league that preceded us.  Thanks Tom & Sam for setting up shop and a nice pit-stop for us.

Even with some of the wettest conditions we've seen and being held up on every hole by the non - MGA mens league, we made decent time through the round with most groups finishing in just over 4 hours and 20 minutes.  You wouldn't know that by the actions of the Marshal.  He apparently doesn't appreciate being called out for targeting our ladies for being slow.  *they weren't btw...  He also didn't seem to have checked the course conditions or radar and tried pushing us along even though there was no where for us to go...

Dear Marshals everywhere, you never speed up the round, you only slow it down by breaking players' concentration and causing them to mess up and slow down.   Maybe mind your regulars that were playing in a 6-some & a twosome and slowing down the 32 players behind them instead.  Have I mentioned before that I despise marshals?

The skies opened up right on queue as most of us were finishing up our last hole, hole & a half if you were the B team.   The massive cell of storms that lined up back to back in the gulf finally made their way inland right as we were finishing up play.   That made for a very soggy ride back to the clubhouse for some of the folks out there.  Harkening back to the great rain out of 2018 at Plantation Palms, Bruce Campbell once again came back in 9 kilos heavier with more water in his clothes than most puddles had in them.   That purple monster in the picture was what it looked like right over Lutz as we were finishing. 

The awards ceremony was held at Rock n Brews in Wesley Chapel as the first in a series of Thank You's for their generosity in throwing some sponsor money at us to off set the increased cost in team shirts.   This worked out well given the monsoon that drenched the course and gave us a great venue for catching some football on the big screens and general schenanigans we were able to have out on the covered patio area.   The scoring ended up with a four way tie for first with three of the guys present.  Aside from putting on concrete, the only available option for a game of skill was the shuffleboard table.   The rules were agreed upon and each competitor was given two shots to get as close to the end of the table without going over as possible. 

First up to shoot was rookie Matt Joseph who  came up woefully short in his first attempt and off the table in his second.   Visiting competitor Jake 'Big Daddy" Lewis from the Spring Hill chapter went second and left a decent defensive shot with is first attempt but gave the second way too much of the ol Centrum Silver and launched it right off the end of the table.  Stephen "the Molehill" Smith (World #2 for the Born Hairy 2021)  used precision aiming to knock Jake's one puck out of play but left himself well short of Matt's one in play puck.   Stephen's second shot squarely nailed Matts puck but instead of launching it out of play like it did to Jake's, it pushed it closer to the edge and stopped Stephen's puck dead in its tracks.   The Tortoise wins the race!   In a stunning upset, the guy who left his short on the very first puck takes the win and his first DoucheBag Invitational championship.    (Video available on instagram)

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Panel Of Experts (2)


I’m a nice marshal

That's the Canadian half, don't let the American half be marshal for a day :)